Mapping Desire (11/12/18)

I never imagined the way that one thing could lead to another over the last few years.  Embrace, lead to screenings which lead to Fabulously Flawsome and also lead me to the Unstoppable program where someone read a quote that touched my heart and soul so much that I wrote the name on my hand.  Danielle LaPorte.    I searched and found a website which totally blew me away and started listening and reading and sharing her work.  I devoured it all – the beautiful honesty, the soul searching and the heart lead quest to find truth and get in touch with the authentic self.  I never imagined that work, going so deep inward, could be beautiful and fun or that it’d bring me so much joy. 

Last year around this time, I ordered my first Desire Map Planner and began the workbooks which would help me uncover my “Core Desired Feelings”.  Yeah it was hard work, but the sort you enjoy.  Every exercise in the workbook left me with more knowledge, with something I hadn’t known before about myself.  Most of it positive and inducing gratitude for all the wonderful people and experiences I’m lucky enough to have in my life and for the resources I’m blessed enough to have access to.   Over the time between Christmas and New Year I spent a lot of time on the workbook and loved every minute, whittling feeling lists down to what really mattered and eventually coming up with five core desired feelings I wanted to feel during the year ahead.

My Christmas gift from my kids was the Desire Map Planner and I set about using it daily (or mostly daily – with some gaps for disconnected days!) to remind myself of those five feelings and how I would go generate those feelings in my daily life.  “What I will do to feel the way I want to feel”.

Let me jump back in time quite a few years here and explain that I haven’t always coped too well under pressure or sadness.  I shut down, crack up, disconnect and tend to try not to connect with my pain or to deal with it.   I fall apart.  It’s no doubt been exacerbated by a myriad of symptoms that I have now discovered are linked to my thyroid health.  I get overwhelmed easily.  Then I get down because I feel I should be able for more.  Then I get even more overwhelmed and more down and so the spiral continues and I can’t find the way out.  I’ve suffered from depression in the past and it’s left me very scared of that downward spiral.  I believe I know the signs but the thought of it happening me again frightens me greatly and I really needed to find a way to keep rooted in my strength and joy. 

This year though, I had a Desire Map and that was my lighthouse in the more foggy days of 2018.  My Mum died in August of this year after a lengthy dance with death which exhibited her strong and stubborn streak and her love of life to the full.  For many reasons I won’t go into her illness and passing was I thought, going to be fraught with difficulties, emotional bombs and old hurts and wounds reopened.  And what did I do?  I rose to the occasion like she’d want me to.  I kept one word in my mind through it all because it tied in with my core desired feelings and encapsulated what I wanted to cling to through this time.  The word was Grace.  Desire Mapping was my rock of grace in what should have been an absolutely horrendous time.  I feel like I floated through it.  I feel like I’m still floating through it.  It has been sad in such a beautiful way that thoughts of my Mum bring tears with smiles and I don’t shut down, disconnect or fall apart.  I let the wave of emotions wash over me and I store the memories for retelling my girls when the time is right.  I am capable of feeling joy and sadness at the same time and not falling apart.  I am strong.  I am resilient.  I am rooted to my joy no matter what. My heart is open. 

That is what desire mapping has done for me.  That is why I decided to take a massive leap and become a desire map facilitator.  I’d love to share with others what this magic has done for me and I can’t think of a better way to do it.  I have a funny feeling it’s going to get busy fairly quickly once I’ve familiarised myself with the guidebook and materials for running the events.  I really hope so.  I’d love nothing more.  To that end, bear with me and check in.  Get in touch if you’re interested and I’ll be delighted to let you know when I have an event booked and ready to roll.

I’m still beavering away on my day job – walking dogs in the mornings while my kids are at school.  I love the work and I love all the dogs but not so much the weather lately with all the rain and wind we seem to have had so far this year.  Hot drinks and popping home for clothes changes are the order of the day and keeping me going but yeah, I’m finding the work hard this year and beginning to think about the possibility of making a living from doing some other dreamy work like facilitating workshops and running groups! 
I’m still working with Nutriri and looking forward to training up to become a leader and to get a local group up and running.  I am already giddy with the anticipation of providing the compassionate, mindful alternative to restriction diet clubs!  And I am still a Body Image Movement Global Ambassador with a mission to get us all Embracing and opening our minds to body equality and self-love.    

I have no doubt that I’ve a couple of angels in my corner this last while.  I hope they’ll stay to see how things unfold and be proud.